I haven't updated in awhile. I try to keep most of you updated in other ways but I still really want to have this as a way of documenting the experiences and emotions that we are going through during all of this. Here is a quick refresher....
After having Freedom and Redd, we had two little boys for a short stay named Ashton and Jack. It was funny having them. Tukker and Jack were smitten with each other and Tukker ended the weekend by declaring her love :) It was super cute and simultaneously disturbing.
After that we didn't have any placements for a while. We were really anxious for a long term placement and starting to worry that we were not getting those placements because they were saving us for short term placements and they didn't want to lose that convenience. Finally we got another placement on December 14th of two little boys. The foster family was going out of town and needed respite care. They felt bad leaving them because it was only their first week in care. The foster mom told me that the boys would likely become available for adoption in the future so if we liked them we should spend more time getting to know them. At the time we were only wanting one girl to adopt so I laughed at the idea of adopting two small boys.
By the end of the weekend (or the end of that night) We had begun to open our minds up to having more than 4 kids. These little guys were just a joy and we really loved having them in our home. They changed the game for us. In the last 2 months we have spent as much time as we possibly can with 3 year old Danny and 2 year old Jude. We have fallen in love with them and we have done everything we can to put ourselves in the best position we can to be able to adopt them if that becomes an option.
Finally, this Friday, February 15th 2013, the boys are moving in to our home. We have prepared their beds, dressers, clothes, toys and schedules. We have worked to see that the transition is as smooth as posible for us and for them. Now that the day is approaching, I am terrified! What if they don't ever love me as much as I already love them? What if they are not as happy here in our home as they have been in their current foster home? What if we can't give them all the things they want because we now have FIVE kids to care for and only so much money? Now it is time for me to stop myself from thinking that way. It's okay if I am scared about all the paperwork, and all the appointments, all the stuff that I was taught in training but haven't had in hands on experience with. That's okay. I will get through all that. As for the happiness and well being of these precious boys??? That I can't waste time being scared about. I love them almost as much as my own. The only thing holding back my love is the fear and realization that they could be taken from us. Until our names and their come together on a court paper saying I am their mommy and David is their daddy, we could lose them.Scary. But it's worth it, We love them and even if they are only with us for a year or 18 months, we are going t be a huge important part of their childhood. We were there for them when they needed someone the most and that makes us there parents even if we have to share the title with others.
I am so excited. I hope and pray that adoption finalization will roll around smoothly and we will have our fears soothed and the boys will be Bubel's forever. If that doesn't happen however we will face that when it comes and we will come out stronger in the end having amazing experiences.
One more thought, I was at the dentist the other day. My hygienist asked why we want to adopt? She said that she had thought about it before but that she couldn't ever truly bond with a child without sharing the magic of pregnancy and nursing with them. . . I didn't say anything. The words were stuck in my heart and soul and couldn't find their way to my mouth. I just smiled and nodded. Now, the words have come. I know now what I would say to her if I could go back again. A baby that you bring into this world, you love with an undeniable natural instinct. You never have a choice to love that child you just love them. Falling in love with a child that you didn't create? It takes an unfathomable amount of work. Not that all the work is hard or bad but it is work. You have to be patient and you have to learn to see this world from a point of view that you would never find yourself in. You have to open your heart and your mind and learn to love them. Then it happens, you find yourself crying in happiness over some small milestone this child reached or missing them with your whole self when they are away from you. That child has become your own in every way that matters. Finally in that moment all the tough stuff and work doesn't matter any more because you have this baby in your world and imprinted on your soul for eternity. It is a whole new kind of magic. That is why I want to adopt.
More to come soon. Wish us luck!
